Emotional History....

Wow, that was an emotional two days to say the least. And in true Dorian fashion, it was documented here for all to see. But it's not just that. This really is a place for me to remember things. With all that happens year after year, I tend to forget a lot of points in my life, but thanks to this little time machine here, every emotional outburst, social outing, acting gig, is documented. Well, from 2004 onwards at least. 

From time to time, I will sit and start going through the old posts and often finding myself cringing at my writing styles and screaming "What the hell was wrong with you?!?". But it's nice in a way. I know some people say that this is a cry for attention but it's not. Well not all the time at least. Maybe once or twice. But anyway, when i'm old and grey one day, I will look back at all this and be really thankful I wrote this all down. An online diary. Yeah, there may some embarrassing posts, but i'm not afraid to keep them here. Because this right here, this is me. As raw as it gets.

In 50 years time, a lot may have changed. Hoverboards and self lacing Nike's hopefully will be around (and if they do, you better have one) and my blog will still be here. Hoping the internet speed in the future would be much faster than it is now. If it isn't, what the hell is going on???

So future me, wherever you are reading this, remember all this. You were once a whiny little kid. You were once a confused teenager. You were a passionate young adult. You were you. 

Remember to take your meds old man. You're gonna need them.

Oh and btw, if the Doctor is still around when you read this Old Dorian, remember how much of a Whovian you were. You said Allons-y at least once a week. Oh and don't forget cool beans. If you ever as forget that phrase, i'll be very disappointed in you. 


It's digging deeper now. I'm a failure. Not as a human being, but as a friend. The damage is getting worse. I'm crumbling, i'm falling, i'm losing. I'm sorry I could never be there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't the person you wanted me to be. I've ranted enough, i've spilled enough. No one deserves to have a friend who constantly ruins their lives. I'm really not the same anymore.

I always felt that I was never cool or fun enough. I was always that fat loser dragging you down with me, and I just can't do that anymore. You deserve a better friend than me, you really do. I've let you down when you needed me the most and I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I wasn't the person you thought I was.

Don't apologise. I'm losing what I don't deserve.

My Stupid Mouth....

Relationships are never easy. I for one know that first hand. Four failed relationships isn't exactly something to be proud of. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of suffering but at the end of the day, I got over it. I realised that each moment was just another chapter in my book in life. To be honest, after that realisation, everything became easier. Handling the break up was easier. But I never thought that one day, I would reach this massive wall.

I never truly understood the fact that a close friendship and a relationship can be very, very similiar. The only difference is, you're not that intimate with your best mate, and sometimes, that can be a real big blessing. But that doesn't mean there won't be problems. There definitely will be and I had to learn this the hard way.

I've always been someone who would speak my mind (most of the time) and not really hold back. Because of this, I found people coming into my life and quickly step out of it. Be it something I said, or they just don't like me, people seem to leave either way. I never really cared that much about it, because I know that if I did, it would destroy me. However this time, I did care. And it's destroying me from the inside out. 

I feel bad. A long, meaningful friendship could slowly be breaking now because of me not being able to control myself and keep my mouth shut. If I only did that, all this shit wouldn't happen. I may be over thinking but sometimes, that's a good thing. For the first time in my life, I regret the words I said. I regret not keeping my calm and listen. I regret that I was too eager to try and save this. If only I had worded things right or keep my cool, none of this would happen.

I've always said that I do more damage to people than good, and this time, I haven't just done damage, I've totally destroyed the friendship, all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Sorry if i'm repeating myself. I just wish we could go back to how it used to be. But i'm just afraid, that this is it. And all I could do is watch it crumble before my feet. Is it wrong to worry? Is it wrong to be concerned? Apparently, it is. I was never good at distinguishing wrong from right.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming anything on the other person. I know it was all my fault. You just wanted support and I wasn't there for you. I rarely regret in my life, but that day is a day I will forever live to regret. All I had to do is sit there, encourage her, listen and guide her. But no, I had to open my mouth and tell her what's on my mind. Look what good that has gotten you now Dorian.

Maybe those bullies were right about something. I'm just a fat loser who will end up alone. No one will love me. So why bother anymore. I want to believe that's not true. I want to believe I am a nice person who people care about and I care for them. But no. They might be right after all. Funny I say all this after posting a video on bullying. But it makes sense. I was programmed to tell myself that no one like me. No one wants to play with me. I will always be alone. I tried to fight this, but i'm not as strong as I used to be.

I only want the best for you. I'm sorry for what I did. I really am. I don't want this to end, but I'm so scared it will, because of my stupid mouth. I know this all sounds like bullshit and an emotional post, but I really am scared. I've always said I would rather die than to see this crumble and fall. 

Maybe that way, my stupid mouth won't be in the way anymore. 

I just want things to go back to the way it was, because this means more to me, than any other thing in the world.


Fatty. Pig face. Loser. As a kid, these are words we are probably familiar with. Be you saying it, or you having those words thrown onto you, we all have heard it. Myself personally, i've heard those words and more, way too many times. 

When I was in school, it was safe to say I wasn't exactly the most popular kid around. I brought it on myself in a way. While kids were watching their Saturday morning cartoons and hanging out with friends, I was at home watching animated Shakespeare plays, and finding myself in front of the camera on sets. I was not the normal kid. So of course naturally, I got bullied in primary and high school. Now I know many of you are probably going, "Ah so what? Everyone gets bullied". Yes, everyone does, and that shouldn't be something we should close one eye too.

I've had it all. Head stuffed in the toilet. Atomic wedgies. Beaten up. Choked till I pass out. When I watch films where the annoying kid bullies everyone in the school, others may laugh at the comedic point of it all, but I don't. That is all too real for me. Sometimes, it's too much to handle. 

My parents and teachers always told me to just get over it and move on. Bullying happens. But it shouldn't. All these years, I never knew the true effect of my past until I saw Shane Koyczan's inspirational and eye opening anti bullying video, To This Day Project. Bullying isn't something we should sweep under the desk. This is something that affects these kids in a very long term way.

When I first watched this video, it was like looking into a mirror.

So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us.
That we'd be lonely forever. 
That we'd never meet someone to make us feel 
Like the sun was something they built for us in their tool shed.
So broken heart strings bled the blues as we tried to empty ourselves
So we would feel nothing.
Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone.

Those lines hit me like a freight train. I never knew that those 12 years of being bullied, would result in my insecurity and confidence issues. I never understood those problems with my life. Often friends tell me "you're an actor, you have loads of confidence either way". But the truth is, I have less confidence in my body than an ant. I was honestly brought up thinking I was the ugliest person in the world, that I would never amount to anything. That I was going to live a sad and lonely life. No kid should have to be thinking these thoughts at such a young age.

Our childhood was a time of innocence. A time where we can be carefree. Where the only thing we have to be worried about is who is taking me home from school or what time is dinner ready. These issues are something that has to be addressed soon. Bullying is no longer just something we should brush aside. We have to act on it. We need to make this stop. No kid should have to go through all this. 

We need to start now. Please head to www.tothisdayproject.com and do your part.

2:55 AM

I remember, when The Script's new album #3 came out, I was extremely excited. I loved their music and it always spoke to me, so needless to say, I was excited to see what songs they would have on the new album. One song in particular spoke to me on a level I was waiting for. If You Could See Me Now. As the lyrics kept flowing, so did my tears. This was a song about losing a father.

And there are days when I'm losing my faith
Because the man wasn't good he was great
He'd say music was the home for your pain
And explain, I was young, he would say
"Take that rage, put it on a page
Take the page to the stage

My father was always a heavy influence on my reason to act. When I was a young child, still exploring the world of the arts, my mother was, needless to say, very hesitant about it and hoping her son didn't continue any further down this path. I have no reason to blame her, she only wanted the best for her son and she probably knew that being in this industry was going to be a very hard job. But my father never gave up. Somehow, I think he always knew I could do it. He would always push me to never give up on this dream and reach for the stars. When he left my family when I was eight years old, I was crushed. I was lost. The one man who truly believed in me is gone.

If you could see me now would you recognise me
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticise me
Would you follow every line on my tear stained face
Put your hand on a heart that's was cold
As the day you were taken away

Now, I know that was not a smart thing to do. Leaving a family is never a good decision, but I know why he did it, and to be honest, I understand fully. When I found out the complete story of the whole situation, I realised my father and me, shared a lot more in common than I thought.

When I see my face in the mirror
We look so alike that it makes me shiver

A lot of my friends wonder why this man was so important to me even though he was only part of my life for eight years? But they just don't understand. His influence on movies & music has become a major part of me. The swing music? My father. The stage? My father. My lame sense of humour? My father. He was the reason I am where I am today. No matter how bad it got on the career path, I could always hear him telling me to never give up and keep chasing this. He knew what his son could become.

I know it's been awhile but I could see you clear as day
Right now, I wish I could hear you say
I drink too much and I smoke too much dutch
But if you can't see me now that shit's a must

Since then, I made it a major part of my life to find him and just say a proper goodbye, just hoping that one day, just maybe, I could see his face again. Fast forward to 17 years later. I get an email telling me that my father had passed away. I was devastated. The search had ended. I could never see him again. When I see him next, he'll be in an urn. That realization was just too much for me, and still is. It still hurts till this day to know that he really is gone now. He never got to see where I am now. He never got to see his son really make a career doing what he loves. But out of all this, the one thing that stings the most, is that I will never be able to look at him, hug him and say,

"Dad, I love you and thanks for never giving up on me"

I'm tryna make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you're up there with God
Saying that's my kid

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.
I hope i'm making you proud Dad.